No, I don't mean at this exact moment. (well maybe) but what I mean is that I struggle with anxiety and depression. This is my truth.
Part 1: THE ANXIETY
After the birth of my 3rd child I noticed that something was really off. I didn't have postpartum depression with my two older kids, so I didn't know what to look for, and all the stories on the internet talked about the moms hurting the babies and that was NOT me. That's not what I was feeling at all. It was more of a super exaggerated fear that was happening. I would freak out over things that were likely not going to happen. I would see them clear as day in my head. I would be walking down the stairs holding the baby and all could see was my foot slipping and dropping him and his head falling off. OK, I knew that was not really going to happen but those feelings just WOULD not go away. I would have a rapid heart beat, no desire to eat and the obsession with something happening horrible happening to my child was getting worse. I finally had the courage to tell a friend about what has happening and she told me that I really needed to tell my doctor and what I was experiencing might be Postpartum Anxiety. Sure enough, one visit to the doctor and he knew what it was. It is actually more common than most people know and it is also NOT talked about as it should be. I wish I knew so I could have gotten help sooner. My son is 2.5 and I still have anxiety. but it's OK.
Part 2: THE DEPRESSION
Moving to Alabama sure did have it's share of HOT weather, and I mean you walk out the door and are immediately drenched in sweat type of heat. So different than the Nevada dry heat. As hot as it was, I still loved it. I loved sitting in the shade or right as the sun was setting and listening to the birds and watching my kids run in the grass. Then, it got cold, and apparently it was unusually cold for Alabama. They had not had snow like this and people were saying it was crazy weird. I laughed and shrugged it off. It was too cold to go outside and then all the leaves fell off and trees all looked like death. Outside was no longer the Alabama we had just grown to love. I was stuck inside ALL DAY. I just wanted to sleep, I had no energy and was carb loading. I thought maybe I was in a little bit of a funk, the winter blues or something. But those few days turned into a few weeks and was NOT going away. I had no motivation to do anything and I felt just blah! That is the best way to describe it. I didn't want to hurt myself, but I didn't really want to do anything. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder! (from the mayo clinic: Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that's related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you're like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody.)
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
When you have physical symptoms like my arthritis or my anemia that can clearly be seen with blood-work or an MRI are easy to treat. When you have fibro and you have pain, it is easy to explain PAIN. It is not so easy when it seems to be all in your head! Both of these were something that I struggled to explain, and explain it as a Christian. There is a notion in some Christian circles that problems like anxiety and depression are primarily, if not completely, spiritual in nature. Many Christians sincerely believe that a person should not experience anxiety disorders if he or she just has enough faith and trust in God. That is simply not true. In fact it is dangerous. Mental disorders can affect a person's spiritual life, and spiritual issues may be interwoven with a person's mental health, but to say that the person with an anxiety disorder or depression should simply trust God more is like telling a cancer patient that she should just have greater faith, and she will be well. We wouldn't scold or throw out-of-context Bible verses at a person with cancer. Why would we do that to a fellow believer who's suffering the torments of a mental disorder? God created chemo, just like he created the medications we use to treat mental disorders. NOT having that is deadly. I fully believe that combined with christian counseling and scripture that medications are a VERY viable and must have option. Medications can also help the sufferer to be open to the cognitive behavioral therapies. Learning how to deal with what was happening in my head was so much easier when let go and took the DAMN DRUGS! I am able to really focus on my prayer life, my WORD and I thank GOD daily for the wisdom to ask for help. I can tell you my husband is very thankful too! He knows to worry if I am running low and makes sure my doses are correct. We also are aware of the fact that I physically need sun. I am very low on vitamins d and b12, so yep. I take supplements for that too. And any chance I get, I will be outside soaking up the sun!
If you or someone you knows suffers from Anxiety and Depression. You are not alone and you are NOT at fault. GET help, call your doctor. You weren’t meant to feel this way. It’s ok to not be ok, but it’s not ok to stay that way. I’m not ashamed of the fact I am taking an anti-depressant and you should not be either!
also: bonus comic to hopefully give you a smile :)
